Not the Mommy

Some days I just don’t want to be the Mommy. Do you ever feel that way? Okay, so maybe you feel that way every day. Most days I’m good with being the mom, but some days I just want to stand in the middle of my house and scream my head off simply because, just for that moment, I won’t be able to hear all of the people who need me. Some days I consider changing my name. Some days I consider hopping on a bus to an unidentified destination–don’t know where–just anywhere but here.

I can clearly remember the day (or days actually) that I had 4 children under 4 years old. I remember that it seemed that someone was always crying. If I measured the success of my day based on lack of crying, then every day was a failure. This one particular day we had come home from an exhausting morning out of the house and I was trying to get lunch made before nap. Everyone was crying because they were hungry and tired. If I really think more about it, I think my husband was also probably out of town. There just wasn’t enough of me to go around. So this day, I decided to join them. If you can’t beat them–join them! What a scene that must have been–mom and all of her little children in a crying heap on the floor.

Times have changed and I don’t have a small preschool of children crowded around me anymore that all want “up” at the same time, but I do have a small nation of children living in my home that all routinely want a piece of me. Sometimes I still feel like there is just not enough of me to go around and I question God’s sense of humor for giving me, an only child, five children to raise. It reminds me of the word picture I heard at MOPS.

Picture a juice box with a whole lot of juice box straws stuck into it from every angle. The juice box has obviously had the juice completely sucked out of it to the point that it is collapsing in on itself. The juice box is you, the mommy, and each one of those straws is everyone and thing in your life that demands some part of you or your time. Mommy, have you ever felt like that juice box at the end of your day? I know I have.

All of this is to share why I have been pulling out as many “straws” out of my life as I can because I want there to be juice left at the end of the day. I want there to something left of me to offer my husband. I want there to be enough of me that my children don’t get the mommy who is at the end of her rope because she’s overly committed to too much outside the home, making me resent the fact that I am the mommy.

That really is it isn’t it? I am the mommy. Why is it that I fight being the mom? Why is it that I downplay my role as mother and over commit myself to other “more important things” so that I don’t have enough of myself to truly be the mom. I AM THE MOMMY! So why do I find myself not wanting to be the mom?

Just this morning I attempted to sit down and write this post, but didn’t even get far enough to open up blogger. Instead I was interrupted countless times. Because I was in my right mind, I chose to not resent my children for interrupting me, but instead just help them with whatever was necessary. After all, I am the mommy, right? That is my job–to be the mommy to my children.

It seems like such a simple thought, but it is complex to live out. You see, if I really sit back and think about what is behind my attitude when I get into my “not the Mommy” mood, it is because I am usually overly taxed because of all of the other things I have committed to and so when my children come to me and want something, I am real with my feelings at the moment and respond to them with irritability that they even need me. I hate to admit this, but when I spent the better part of this summer in an irritable mood because I felt so overwhelmed with the size of the clan I am raising, it dawned on me that something needed to change.

It was then that God began speaking to me through a series of books I have been reading. He began speaking to me about my irritability and the source of it. He began showing me that I try to be a perfectionist, but I am not perfect at all and never will be–so I should stop trying to attain it! He wanted me to stop expecting perfection out of my children and to stop trying to be Supermom. He said, “B, you cannot do everything and spin all of the plates that you are trying to spin. Your heart is divided amongst all of those things and what I truly want from you is to have an undivided heart for your family. That is what is causing your irritability and lack of desire to be the mommy. You want to be all things to all people and you cannot!”

You know, sometimes I just need a 2×4 whack on the head to get the most simple of concepts. It has been a rough summer, but now that I’ve gotten the message loud and clear, have cleared my plate short of selling off my children, I do have to confess that I am enjoying being the mommy again. I am enjoying saying “no” to everything outside my home in order to focus on being the mommy and trying to do what God called me to do–build this house. It seems like a no-brainer, but it sure makes for a great mommy when mommy wants to be mommy and there IS enough to go around to her children–you know, the ones that actually make her mommy! Maybe that is what is truly a Supermom, not the spinning many plates perfectionist, but instead the Mommy who doesn’t deny who she is, but instead the one who relishes in the pure simplicity of being the Mom.

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2 Replies to “Not the Mommy”

  1. Kerry Sue

    I got to hear your testimony last night at the Coffee thing…I felt like I was listening to myself! I too have 5 kids that I love but sometimes don’t like, and your comments about overcommitment and “seasons” in life were refreshing. Actually, more than that – confirming what God has been trying to tell me. Thank you!

  2. heather

    ahhhh, just what I needed to hear! It is bedtime over here and after hosting a houseful of people for the Fresno State game, cleaning up, bathing the kids….I almost lost it! But before I did actually “lose it”—my husband took over pj and bedtime so that I could relax and read your blog! Oh, I am so glad I did! It was meant for me at this moment–thank you, B!


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