Day After Day

It’s amazing to me the way God uses my children to teach me more about Him. In the same way, I stand in awe of how he reversely gives me insight into my children because of the relationship I have with Him.

Each day when I rise, I ask the Lord to enable me to go beyond my human abilities to give grace and patience to my Daughter of Purpose. Let me give you a bit of insight into my world. All kids can have some of these issues, but I find them particularly amplified with my DOP. She seems to have some memory problems with the simpliest things–things basic in nature and done day after day, yet she still cannot seem to master them to save her life.

She’s been with us for almost two years now. In that time frame, every day she has been asked to pick up her pajamas after getting dressed and put them into the pouch on the side of her bed. Every day I walk into her room and see her pajamas lying on the floor. In the same way, she is asked to put her clothes in the hamper after getting ready for bed. Those are always left on the floor when I go to tuck her in.

Each day when we return from somewhere, DOP is asked to put her shoes, socks and brace away into the basket by the door. Every day I trip over them–sometimes multiple times per day. Even just today, she was asked by her sister a few times and 3 times by me to put them away after we returned from Biblestudy. She still forgot.

Every day she is asked to brush her teeth in the bathroom at the sink. Every day she is found wandering in the hallway with her toothbrush in her mouth–2 times per day.

Every day she asks what is for lunch when she really means dinner. We’ve corrected her day after day.

Every day she is asked to not talk with food in her mouth, not get down from the table with food in her mouth and to clean up her dishes after her meal. Every day I must remind her about every one of these. These particular ones happen 3x per day.

This is merely a drop in the bucket, but day after day it can cause me to feel weary and wonder if my efforts are worth it. Day after day it is the same thing and yet never really feeling like we are getting anywhere.

She also seems to have periods of forgetfulness about certain facts. It doesn’t surface all of the time, but when it does, it can be especially trying. I can tell her a piece of information over and over and yet she can’t seem to make it stick. I distinctly remember one of the times when I noticed she was having difficulty with this. I had recently assigned each one of my kids a day of the week to make lunch. DOP’s day was Fridays, but over and over again each day she would seem to forget which day was hers and either give the facts wrong to someone or she’d need to ask me again because she’d confess she’d forgotten. It was interesting to watch as she would sometimes fight to the death practically over one particular day being hers when it really wasn’t. She just couldn’t seem to get this one. Well, one night I sort of “set her up” to see if I was crazy in my observation that her ability to remember was extremely short. While giving her a bath that night, I discussed with her about the lunch making business. She was very excited for the opportunity to make lunch with me on Fridays. So I said, “DOP, remember your day is Fridays.” I waited a few seconds and then confirmed her day by asking a question, “Your day to make lunch with Mommy is on Fridays, right?”

She confirmed my question. I then got up from the bathtub and walked to the door of the bathroom. I turned around and asked her, “DOP, what day of the week do you help Mommy with lunch?” She had completely forgotten. It was literally 30 seconds or less and the information was gone.

Thus far, DOP has yet to share with us about her life previous to our home. At times we have tried asking her specific questions (of which we know the answer) and she has not provided the right info. For example, we’ve asked her about a specific friend in her “groupa” that was a boy. She will remember him as a girl. I often wonder about the way her brain has buried her past and how it has impacted her memory as a whole.

There are also things that I have had to teach her that I have never had to teach before. In fact, I didn’t know they were things that had to be taught. I thought they just came naturally to people. I suppose the licking of the counter from last week would be one of those things, but that’s small compared to some of the others. When DOP came to us, we had to teach her about physical touch. Not in a bad way, like she had no boundaries. I mean that I wonder if anyone had ever given her a hug or held her hand. I wonder if anyone had ever held her when she was sick, hurting or just simply crying. Had anyone ever rubbed her back before and snuggled on the couch with her? Anyone ever cuddle up for a nap and spoon with her, putting their arm around her? She seemed to have no idea these things existed. We had to teach her how to express them and we still today work with her on when and how they are appropriate.

I’ve discovered along the way that no one ever taught my daughter that when someone is hurt, the appropriate response is to have compassion and ask them if they are okay–maybe even see if there is some way she can help them. Instead, we’ve battled her natural reaction to laugh loudly and to point at them, mocking and teasing. Maybe that was a learned response from the orphanage.

On the opposite side of the coin, this one took me a bit to uncover, but one day I observed her and The Talker wrestling, like brothers and sisters do. She seemed to be, in some moments laughing, but then a very distressed cry would emerge from the pile. It was a different cry than usual. Something told me that she was in need of help but didn’t know how to express it. So I broke up the wrestling match and asked her about what was going on. The basics of the conversation was that she was in pain and wanted him to stop. For some reason she said that she thought laughing was the way to express that. Hmmm…I don’t know about you, but if I were the one wrestling with her, I’d think that laughing meant she was having a good time and she wanted to continue in the fun. Right?

Somewhere along the way in her little life, she’s gotten some signals mixed and now it is my job to re-teach her. I’ve heard this before and someone reminded me about it recently. A child such as DOP has certain imprints–or grooves–that have been made into her physical brain as a result of the way she was raised the first few years of her life. Now it is my job to re-train or re-wire those short circuited parts of her brain in the way things are truly to be done. It took four years to imprint her in this way. We now have a long road ahead, maybe even more than four years to undo what has been done. Sometimes it feels like a burden, but in reality it truly is a privilege to be a part of the process of teaching this precious treasure about the love of a family and ultimately to teach her about the love of a great big God and the love He has for her.

You see, here’s the thing. God is teaching me through this child. Grace. He’s teaching me that although I see things in black and white, what my daughter needs most from me is not my rules and strict standards. What she needs is love. What she needs is for me to have never-ending patience and grace in circumstances that I would not normally have them. As I reflect on this, and how this relates to me and my heavenly Parent, isn’t it the same for me? And for you? I don’t need legalism. I need Him to have boundaries, yet give me grace when I need it–which is often. Just as she needs me to not major on the minors, so am I like that, with Him. Just as I learn more under the umbrella of grace, likewise I have noticed my daughter thrive and actually relax enough to begin to unravel some of that stuff from her past that needs to be dealt with. Now that I’ve finally figured out the key, she feels safe enough to release and be herself, regardless of what that looks like.

Here’s what that grace looks like on a daily basis. It means that when I stumble over those pajamas or that pile of shoes, socks and a brace…I pick them up and put them away for her or simply remind her and patiently wait while she completes the task.

When she asks what’s for lunch when she really means dinner…I gently correct her and move on–or sometimes I don’t even point it out.

When she forgets the proper response to a hurting person and I find her laughing and mocking, I don’t come unglued at her caulousness. Instead, I calmly remind her of what I’ve taught her and instruct in proper response again. And again. And again. And….

It means that I allow the wrestling, but I am extra sensative to hearing her when she needs help communicating that she wants to stop the wrestling match. I have to be aware and available when I hear her call, even if the call is a mix of messages.

I can understand what I need to do, but the true confession is that it is not easy. That is why I must daily go to the Lord and ask Him to empower me to love this child that He purposed for me to raise with the grace and patience He extends to me. I have to ask Him to show me how to express unconditional love all day long. I have to lean on Him because honestly, not every day is as much of a success as I’d like it to be. But I guess that’s a good thing because if I could make it a smashing success every day then it would be me who got the glory. Because it is impossible for me to achieve what I idealize, it is abundantly clear that each day that is counted as a success will purely only be because of Him–He receives the glory.

“For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to His good purpose.” – Philippians 2:13

Thank you, Lord, for giving me this precious treasure to raise–for forcing me to be dependent on you and for teaching me more about you.