Receiving the closed doors has been about more than just my daughter’s diagnosis. It’s also been about having every door we’ve ever known in our lives slam shut and create a darkness so deep that we were left questioning everything we’ve ever believed. The past two years have been the hardest we’ve ever been through.
When the Church is healthy, it’s a beautiful thing, but when it’s not…it can be incredibly damaging. That’s about all my grieving, but healing heart can say. The pain is still too deep to share openly.
The depth of pain from that unhealthiness was beyond bearable, but then added on to that, God closed the door for us in the place of community that we had called home for 22 years. He closed the door on friendships, employment for my husband and what we thought the future held. The darkness got darker as we waited in our grief for what He had next. Depression was my unwelcome friend as we waited.
To be honest, friends, we are still waiting for Him to reveal what His purpose is for us in all this. As we rest and heal in the deep, we have come face to face with who He is. We have had to truly walk out what we say we believe. He does not just give us hope. He is hope itself. He is what makes me get up every day and keep going when I have every reason not to.
Then Jesus told him, “Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.” ~ John 20:29
So much of me would like to be fake with you and tell you that this darkness has been easy, but I would be a liar. I have spent much of this season fighting, kicking and screaming in my anger that this is what He would allow. I have wanted to understand why every door has closed.
But finally I heard His voice in the simplest thing.
Receive the closed doors.
When I read those words on my screen, everything shifted. All of a sudden it hit me full force that all of my resisting was perpetuating my pain and stress. I wanted control and to understand, but in reality the greatest peace and healing would come when I learned how to let go of my need to be in the know of what God is doing and why. And it’s true. When I stopped resisting and began to embrace this season “as is,” I began to and still do have a peace that I can’t explain. Looking at our circumstances, I should not have this peace, but honestly, what else can I do? My choice is to resist and suffer or to embrace and thrive. I think I’ll be embracing 2013 with everything within me.
Thank you~~no one could have said it better than that.