In the Beginning

In the beginning there was one child. And there was another on the horizon about 3 months later. Yes, my two first children are only 12 months apart and, no, I did not plan that. This was so far from my plan that I wrestled with that pregnancy and then that child, The Talker, for longer than I care to admit. From the very get-go I just didn’t get The Talker. From the timing of his conception to his baby years where he was gassy and cried a lot to his toddler years where he was very emotional and still cried all the time. He was (and still is) the ultra Mr. Sensitive.

As he grew older his sensitivity/emotionalness remained and he began to lack the ability to focus for long periods of time, talked all the time (in a very detailed manner which bored me to tears) and yet seemed to not hear things. He had a delayed hearing of sorts and when he started school he began to show signs of having a reading disability. I have to confess that at times I looked at my own son and saw that the light was on, but wondered if anybody was home. He was smart in many ways, just not the ways I thought he should be. Often I wanted to knock on his head and say, “Hello? Is anybody in there?”

I often pondered why it was that this particular child could push all the right buttons and make me ignite so quickly. I wondered why, when I did get angry, was “my wrath” always directed at him. I wondered why he could seem to do no right in my eyes. Was it because he was so like me or so un-like me? What was wrong with me? Why couldn’t I understand this child–my own flesh and blood? Was this normal–to have a child that just doesn’t mesh with me? Why did he seem to always want to be near me when I wanted to be no where near him? Why couldn’t I just simply love him? Was it his fault or mine? What was I to do?

Looking back now, I realize that a lot of attributes that drove me to the quick were the things that are not like me. He is a very detailed talker–I am not. He is very emotional–I am not. It also drove me insane that he could not focus on his school work to save his life, follow directions and it would often seem like he had no idea I’d ever spoken. Clueless.

I was pulling out my hair until one night. That particular night is a very vivid memory for me because it is the night that changed everything…

To be continued…I’ve got a daughter with a fever and am still healing up myself.