It was supposed to simply be a Saturday afternoon nap. A rare treasure I was relishing in. I was in a drowsy state of slowly drifting in and out of coherent thoughts when I had an epiphany.

What my Daughter of Purpose needs most from me is to play with her. What? Play with her? Did I really just think that? I did. What was I thinking?

There it was.

Whispered again…

Playful I am not. I am a facilitator of fun for everyone else, but I don’t often engage in the fun myself. I just don’t. Don’t know why…it’s just not me. Rewind to Legoland two years ago. Everyone on our trip had a blast…and so did I, just differently. I had joy in the watching of everyone else’s fun, but didn’t slip into the moment with them. Disneyland the following year. Same scene. Different location.

Time and again I can tell you the story of being on the outside looking in. It’s just the way it’s always been for introverted me so it doesn’t occur to me to do anything differently. This thought of joining in the play instead of setting up the play felt like an invasion. I didn’t like it.

But I knew it was right.

I lay there in the quiet of the epiphany, replaying the pleading look in my DOP’s eyes and the snippets of her voice saying, “Mommy, will you play with me?” over and over again. I didn’t have the first four years of her life to build into. I didn’t have those moments of cuddling and nursing her at my breast to bond naturally. I missed out on all of her milestones. So each day I have with her is the unnatural work of building what has been missed and sometimes it makes me uncomfortable. Sometimes it makes me want to run the other way.

My DOP needs a lot of things from me to build the relationship of trust between a mother and child, but playing just wasn’t one of those things I realized was a part of the package. Relentlessness…yes. Caregiving…yes. Physical touch…yes. Time…yes. But play? I didn’t sign up for this.

Sigh.

I guess it’s time a draw up a new contract, get out my pen and sign away because my DOP is worth it. She needs me to step outside myself and enter into her world to meet those deep down needs that need to be filled with a mother’s love. Only I can do that because I have the privilege of being called her Mommy. God chose me even though He knew playfulness was not on my resume.

To be honest, I think all kids cry out for their Mommy to stop running circles around them and instead join them in the playful middle. If I really think about it, all of my kids have asked me at one time or another to join them in their play or even just stop long enough to snuggle on the couch. Maybe there’s something to this playful thing that can touch everyone.

So…where do I start with this playfulness stuff? It’s foreign to me. P*lly Pockets, Littlest Pet Sh*p and playing card games like “Go Fish” are just not my thing. Even just the thought of sitting and playing these things practically makes me break out in hives! Maybe I’m allergic to play. (Okay, so maybe it’s not that bad!) I think I’ll start by placing one foot in front of the other, reminding myself that it takes practice. It might be painful at first, but it should get easier with time. Right? I think I’ll start small. After all, this is stretching me big time. I will start with 15 minutes a day. Yes, that’s it…15 minutes a day. I am challenging myself to get uncomfortable and play 15 minutes a day. How about you? Could you give up 15 minutes of your time to not just do the Mom thing, but actually be the mom? Stop long enough to be in the moment. Enjoy it. Relish in it. Hey, what the heck? Why not join me and have a little fun while being the mom!

I am starting tomorrow with the torture play. I’ll let you know how it goes. 🙂

In case you can relate...

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