Have you ever had one of those moments, as a parent, that freezes for just a moment? A moment long enough to think, “This is a test. I can either respond to this one way and fail miserably–probably end my kid up in counseling some day–or I can respond another way, save the moment and feel like a hero. Hmm…which way will I choose?” Most parenting decisions happen so quickly that we don’t have much time to think beyond our instinct response. But every once in while we have one of those diamond moments to think before we act. I’d like to say that my husband and I pass the test every time, but nothing can be further from the truth. We’re real people that struggle in the same ways you do.
A few weeks back there were two of those moments that happened on the same day–one to me and one to my husband. We both stood on the brink–thinking, “I can either make or break this moment.” For my husband, let me take you back a few steps before he arrived at that pivotal moment. I had recently been working with the kids on doing random acts of kindness for one another. One of my sons was very into this new “kindness thing”. I’m not really sure why he goes through spurts and really gets into it, but when he does, I love it! Anyway, he had done so many acts of kindness around the house that he was running out, but yet his desire to do it had not. So he decided to organize my husband’s office for him.
Does anyone see the danger signs here? It’s especially dangerous because my husband is a “piler”. He runs our business out of our home and his method of organizing is by placing everything in piles. He doesn’t have the time to be organized beyond his piles so he makes due. The scary thing to me about his piles is that he knows exactly what is in each pile and where in that pile. Kid you not, there have been moments when I have had to play secretary and search through those piles. He has called me on the phone while he’s out on the road and asked me to look for something. He has an incredible ability to be able to tell me exactly which pile and how far down the info is that he’s looking for. It sounds a little like this, “The little yellow paper will be in the pile 2 stacks over on the right from my computer, but back a little–like back where I keep my keys–it will be about 2/3 of the way down. It should be under the paper that is folded in half.” Shockingly, it will be right where he said. I digress, but I had to set the scene so you understood why this was such a pivotal moment for my husband! Back to the child that decided to organize Daddy’s office.
As my husband got home from work and stepped into his office, he noticed that things were askew and called out to me, wondering why his office was helter-skelter. My son grasped his moment and ran in to tell his Daddy all about how excited he was to have straightened up his office for him. Right in that frozen moment, my husband had a choice. He could either come unglued at my son for even being in his office, let alone moving things around, or he could push those thoughts aside and see the heart behind what his son had done and thank him for his efforts. For this test, my husband passed. He graciously thanked our son, pointed out the great things he had done, but yet he did take the time to nicely ask him to not organize Daddy’s office again.
Shortly after that, I walked in on one of our other sons who had decided to make chocolate milk for the family. There was milk, chocolate syrup, dirty spoons, scrunched up napkins (I think from his attempts at cleaning up after himself) and cups everywhere. It was right at that crazy time of the day when school work needs to be finished, dinner needs to be made and 100 other important things. There was a part of me that wanted to freak out, but since I had the luxury of the moment freezing, I was able to think through that response. I had to deliberately make the choice to let it go. I had to look at his heart. His desire was to make a treat for the family that he could make on his own. Instead of yelling at him, I decided to commend him on what a great idea he had and tell him what a great job he had done. I have this theory that all things can be cleaned and if it’s important to me, I don’t put it near the kids so that I don’t have worry about it breaking. I tell my kids that as long as I don’t have to go to the ER today, I’m all good. So what’s a little chocolate milk clean up? Because I passed that particular test, my son is now inspired to do an act of kindness for his family again.
As parents, we have the power to encourage our kids toward greatness or squelch those desires. I can give them the courage to try again or shut them down. This verse runs through my head as I write this:
Proverbs 18:21 – “The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.”
Which will it be today? Will I have a frozen moment? Will I choose life or death in regards to how I respond to my kids? What I pray is that I get enough of those frozen moments to practice doing the right thing so that when I don’t get a chance to think first and I have to act on instinct–that my instinct is to encourage my children toward greatness.
I really wish we had more “frozen moments” as parents. I guess counting to five before reacting is the alternative…
this was beautiful. very much so.