Sometimes I feel like I am banging my head against the wall. Sometimes I feel like my efforts to teach one child in particular is a wasted effort and I question if she’ll ever get it. I confess that as a result of this daily head banging, I can lose my cool. Many people have told me that I am a patient person, but my daily ritual makes me think those people didn’t know what they were talking about.
You see, Daughter of Purpose (and The Talker can be this way too) can make me go past just wanting to scream out in frustration, instead I find myself actually yelling! (Gasp! I know it’s a shocker.) I know that Daughter of Purpose has only been with us 10 months, but she’s incredibly bright and has mastered the English language already. Not only does she speak only English now, but she has incredible comprehension too. Just the other day a car with very loud music drove by and she turned to me and said, “He better turn down that music or he is going to be deaf!” I think she’s got it.
So day after day when I go over the same basic concepts with her-sometimes multiple times per day-and there is no modification in her behavior, it can cause me to be very impatient. Here are some of the things that are quite simple, but for some reason she cannot master. When she has food in her mouth, she is to be sitting down because I fear that with her unstable legs she will fall and choke, she is not to talk with food in her mouth, and when I ask her to do something she is to do it right away. Contrary to timeliness she generally manages to get lost on the way and forgets what I originally asked her to do.
Well in the midst of my impatience (it’s just a constant state for me at this point), I was reminded again about the passage in Matthew where Jesus comes back from a long day of ministry and he was very tired. I imagine He felt very much like I do at the end of each day–exhausted. But instead of responding in irritation like I do, He responded with compassion and felt sorry for them. If only I could do that. This particular day in my reading, God took this lesson one step further for me.
It started out innocently enough. I was just doing my yearly Bible reading plan and happened upon this scripture in Romans 7 about how I want to do right, but I can’t seem to do right because of the power of sin.
Romans 7:15 – “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate to do.”
So it got me started thinking about how I too struggle with “getting it right” sometimes. I am far from perfect. The next thing I know I’ve landed on Psalm 145:8.
“The Lord is merciful and compassionate, slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love.”
Could it not be more clear to me that I am just as much a repeat offender as my daughter? I can only imagine what God must think when I don’t seem to get it and keep repeating my mistakes over and over again. Does God bang His head against the wall of heaven when I seem to have amnesia? No, I don’t think He does and for that I am grateful. God’s word says that He is SLOW TO GET ANGRY. Okay, I am convicted. In my humanness I lack the patience my daughter needs me to have, but as Romans 8:26 is so gracious in pointing out to me…the only way I will be able to get over my sin and to be more like Him in my responses is with His Holy Spirit that “helps us in our weaknesses.” Boy am I ever glad that Jesus left us The Comforter. How would I ever survive?
Daily I must admit that I am not able to live this life that God has entrusted to me. People often ask how I can do 5 kids. Well the honest answer is that I can’t. It sounds so corny, but it is my real answer. It is only by the Holy Spirit–God’s power working in me that I am able to be the mom my children need me to be–patient, kind, compassionate, slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love. I imagine I’m just like any other mom regardless of how many children she has–some days I get it right and some days I don’t, but I do certainly wake up every day aiming to try to do the best that I can do with the strength that God gives. May today be one of those days that I choose to walk in the spirit instead of my flesh because my children need me to not be “Super Mom”, but instead the “Good Enough Mom”–that one that dusted off and tried again each day and gave it her best effort because God in Heaven is SLOW TO GET ANGRY.
This is so good to hear! I have been yelling way too much lately….thanks for reminding me of God’s GREAT patience with me…