I wrestle with myself all the way down the stairs as to whether I will put on my happy face or let it all hang out. Somewhere between the top and the bottom of the stairs, I decide that I am so far done that I am also done pretending. I am going to be real tonight.

God knew exactly what I needed that night because who should it be that shows up that night? For some odd reason (right), only two people are in attendance that night and it’s two of my closest friends that couldn’t have been more hand-picked. A Board Certified Behavior Analyst and Special Education teacher of more than a decade. It’s not like they hadn’t heard my struggle with The Talker previous to this, but I fully unloaded it all on them this time. My two dear friends put on their professional “hat” and got busy helping me figure out ways to help my son. We talked through all of the fancy names of diagnosises that we could affix to him, but ultimately that wasn’t what I was looking for. What I needed were ways to better understand him and to help him manage his different quirks. That night they certainly delivered.

All of these things were very helpful, but the most powerful part was not the things they came up with to help my son. It was how they helped ME. It was me who needed change too. They helped me to begin to view him in a different light. In her wisdom, my friend gently pointed out to me something that stood out to her as I talked. She noticed that I had an awful lot of “shoulds” in my speech.

“He’s been getting ready for bed for 7 years now. He should be able to do this on his own.”

“He should be able to get his shoes on and get in the car when I say it’s time to go.”

“He should be able to do his school work by himself and not be staring at the same sheet of paper 30 minutes later.”

He should, he should, he should, he should. There was a lot of should-ing going on. My friend probably didn’t know how pivotal her words would be. It was in that moment that I felt like the earth stopped and began spinning the other direction. That was when I began to realize that, yes, he should be able to do a lot of things, but the reality was that he couldn’t. So what was I going to do? Would I continue to “should” him for the rest of his life and he’d never measure up or would I “lower the bar” and begin to love him right where he was at?

It hit me that this was where I was going to need to start seeing him through the eyes of His Maker–focusing in on what he could do, not what he couldn’t do. I began to change the way I approached my son and it started making a huge difference. It was things as simple as giving him one page of school work at a time instead of the stack for the day, which overwhelmed him. I began to only give him one instruction at a time instead of a list of five. His success rate was much better this way. When I made requests of my kids like, “Get your shoes on, it’s time to go” I singled him out to make sure he heard me. I also had him repeat what I said back to me.

Along with practical things, I started to see how talented he was (and still is) in many other ways. He’s very messy, but very creative. He’s our artist. His mind is always working at figuring out how things work. He kind of reminds me of a mad scientist the way he analyzes things. He’s always making things for people he cares about–they are very odd, but it is made straight from his heart. He’s a giver–always aware of how people around him are feeling and always ready to share with those in need. He’s a rule follower. As a parent, sometimes I forget what rule I made in a given situation. Never fear–rule follower is here to my rescue! He’s slow, but steady and if given the right context (mainly his creative mode), he can focus for hours. He still talks a lot and it still drives me crazy, but I have learned how to stop what I’m doing and listen. Sometimes I gently instruct him in how to leave out some of the details, but no one said I had fully arrived yet!

God has used this pivotal moment to heal our relationship and to allow me to become his greatest advocate. God has allowed me to see him in such a different light that I understand him like no other. It has allowed me to turn and teach others how to better understand him and learn to appreciate him also, like other family members, teachers and leaders. I have an amazing son and I am so thankful for that night that God cared enough about him (and me) to so perfectly set up what I needed–to learn how to love the child He’d placed in my care.

I’d like to say that is the end of the story, but I’m pretty sure it is not. I can see how God is using that experience to teach me how to love the adopted daughter He placed in our family. I feel like I am working through all the same issues again, but yet this time I missed out on the first four years of her life and I have no idea what her biological make up is. It’s like The Talker all over again, but with some missing pieces this time. I think He’s shaking things up a bit because he wants to teach me yet again! I’d love to tell you that I’ve perfected this lesson and loving Daughter of Purpose like my own has been easy, but that would be a lie. I will admit that I’ve struggled, but each day gets easier as I draw on the lessons He has shown me through The Talker. I often wonder what God has in mind to teach me with this lesson yet again, but with a twist. Does He have in mind for me to master this because He desires to place more children in my home through adoption? Is Foster Care in the future for our family? Does He just want me to learn so I can share with others? I don’t know the answers to these questions, but I know the One who does and I am open to whatever God has in mind for me because it’s clear that His way is better than mine.

I am ever thankful that He does not “should” me in the way I was “should-ing” my son. He certainly could because I have a whole lot of things I should be doing too, but instead He offers me grace and loves me just the way I am. I don’t know if I can ever be grateful enough for that–a God who is patient, sees my potential and is my greatest advocate.

Stay tuned for some pictures (and maybe a video) of some of The Talker’s great inventions (because I’m not a pround Mama or anything like that). 🙂

In case you can relate...

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