Yesterday, as I was talking with the Lord and trying to iron out a few things in which I have been struggling, I shared with Him that I felt like I needed to see more of Jesus in my daily routines. I told Him of how I want to see Him, but yet I am struggling. Instantly, I had this flashback to Seeing the Face of Jesus, something of which I wrote awhile back. My own words played vaguely through my mind, reminding me that every time I speak words of life, wipe up the table for the millionth time, remind someone patiently of what they need to do, make another cup of honey tea for a sick one or offer another cup of medicine without huffing, I am seeing Jesus’ face in every moment. As Ann Voskamp gently reminds me as I read through her book for the second time, God is here. I am in His sanctuary.
When I woke this morning with all this motivating me out of bed, never did I expect to see His face so close and in such ways.
I saw Him in the face of my man as he lay sleepy by my side, breathing. 11 years ago when his lung collapsed, I saw the reality of each breath of my husband to be a miracle. He is still my miracle.
I saw Him in the curious faces of two of my children as they worked side by side to look up the meaning of words in the dictionary.
I saw Him in the lit up face of DOP as she shared with our social worker, here for a home visit for our homestudy, about how excited she is to get a new sister…she won’t have to be the dreaded youngest anymore.
I saw Him, I saw Him, I saw Him.
When I woke up this morning, those are the types of ways I expected to see Him, but what I didn’t expect was to see Him in the battleground. I didn’t expect to see His side, but in His divine way, He chose to use my Daughter of Purpose to give me a glimpse into what He goes through each day to make sure I see Him.
I saw Him as I sat side by side with DOP as she painstakingly did her school work and fought every stroke of the pencil, as she put on her act that tries to trick me into believing the same lies she does–that she’s stupid and not worthy…but I didn’t passively sit by this time. Instead, I took her face in my hands and chose to speak only words that make souls grow stronger.(Ann Voskamp) I told her of how I don’t believe her act for a moment. But that I believe in her. I believe she is smart, beautiful, capable and worthy. I reminded her of the few moments that she has shown me the unbelievable ability she has to accomplish her schoolwork when she chooses to believe in herself. I reminded her that in every moment she must choose to believe the truth and not the ugly lies that filter through her head.
I saw Him as the tears pooled in her eyes, as she wrestled with which voice to believe.
I saw Him as she gave into the lies and it was evident in every move she made, her body language speaking enough.
I saw Him as I patiently worked with her, to break the will that refused to listen, as she walked up and down the stairs. Me carefully balancing the breaking of the will, but not breaking the spirit and all the while my Mama’s heart breaking.
I saw Him as she yielded, proving me right. When she chooses to believe the voice of truth, she can accomplish amazing things!
I thought the battle was done.
He kept my eyes open to see His perspective as I lay on top of my daughter, face touching face, to protect her from herself as she pitched a fit of rage, flailing at anything within reach, screaming and crying at the top of her lungs, refusing to give in.
I saw Him through tears as I spoke calmly to her in brief moments of silence as she gasped for air before beginning to wail again. Challenging her not give into the lies, reminding her that I am her Mommy. I am not an orphanage worker that changes day after day, shift after shift or worse…one that never returns. I spoke into her that I am here day after day and I will not change. I am not going anywhere. Because of this, I know her. I know her potential. I know which voices she is listening to and reminded her of the same words I had spoken this morning. I patiently laid atop her grasping my moments to speak truth over her and waiting for her to yield to my voice and not the one that has been playing through her mind all these years.
I saw Him in her tears as she slowly yielded herself to what I continued to speak over her.
I saw Him as she realized that I was willing to fight for her, not only in life, but in the battleground of her mind.
I saw Him in her voice as she choked out, “Mommy, I believe you.”
I saw Him in the aftermath, that embrace where she actually hugged back and the snuggling in my green chair as I stroked her hair and read her a story.
I saw Him in the spontaneous kiss she gave me.
As I have walked this winter journey and struggled with feeling down, I see now that He’s been here all along. He used my Daughter of Purpose to show me what He has done for me each and every day over the past few months, speaking over me and waiting for me to yield. I saw myself reflected in my daughter’s eyes and realized we are more alike than I had previously thought. I have a lot to learn from her.
Every day is a battle ground for my mind, just like my daughter. I believe the only reason I had any type of clarity today is because of those few who have been invited into my struggle and have begun to do battle for me through prayer. Now that I see clearly, I need to turn and do likewise for my daughter.