Yes, I’m physically exhausted, but there’s a mental exhaustion like never before. Maybe it’s because I am not a natural at multi-tasking. Having my brain in a hundred different places at once is a stretch for me, but this is something more. Over and above our day-to-day, I daily have a list of referrals to call, appointments to make or a social agency to follow-up on. There are results from tests like genetics to follow up on and figure out what they mean and new methods of parenting like ABA therapy for an autistic child to learn and practice. I have several dozen books and internet articles to read on Autism for Little E and the Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder we suspect for Daughter of Purpose. I still have to figure out the best route to take to get a diagnosis for DOP and does a diagnosis really matter? It’s no wonder my brain begins to shut down as my kids get ready for bed and I limp along long enough to attempt to have something left for my man before I crash and burn into bed. I wish I could tell you that “Anytime, Anywhere” theme of mine is going better than it is. Sometimes I wonder if this is the ploy of the Enemy; to use my life circumstances to make me so busy that there is barely a space in my thoughts to think on Jesus, to pray and to listen for Him. Instead what I hear is:
Overwhelmed, tired, inadequate, unqualified.
Those are words that come to my mind pretty much every second of every day, but when I can manage to push those words aside long enough to hear His voice, I remember His words to me a few years back as I wrestled with whether to expand our family or not again. I just didn’t think I would have enough to go around. He promised me that He would be enough. So when I hear those accusatory words enter back in, I slip back under the waters of his grace and refuse to listen.
If I had known then what I know now–the unplanned roads–I’m sure I would’ve said no way. But think what I would’ve missed if I’d said no. I would’ve missed the stretching, the growing, new knowledge, the ability to see that there is always more to the story and most of all, I would’ve missed the joy–the joy that always comes with the pain. It’s a sweeter kind of joy. A joy that would be missed if I was enough and didn’t need my Jesus to be enough.
So I’ll take it. I’ll take being overwhelmed, tired, inadequate and unqualified. As long as He is there whispering, “I got this.”
“Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” Galatians 6:9